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Yesterday, I made a very difficult, yet very brave decision. A decision that I have spent many weeks praying over fervently. I saw a new psychiatrist yesterday and decided that I needed to start taking medications for my mental health again for the first time in over a decade.
It was a difficult decision to make. But I believe I made the right one. It has been many years since I could look myself in the eye and honestly say that “I am okay” and that my head is screwed on straight. I have been so reluctant to take psychotropic medications due to not only severe allergies and also being treatment resistant, but spiritual abuse within the church, as well.
Foolishly, I allowed not only the pastor and elders of my previous church to convince me that I did not need these medications, but also a few ladies whom I once believed were my friends as well, because:
#1, The church saw me as “demon possessed” and not mentally ill. (I have endured more exorcisms than I care to admit, including being beaten with my own Bible, and all these years I’m still totally nuts.) I can assure you that I am by no means “demon possessed”, nor have I ever been.
#2, The church believed that it is a sin to take such medications. Sadly, many churches today believe that the use of such “mind-altering” medications falls under the category of sorcery and witchcraft.
For these reasons, I have not taken medications for my mental health for over ten years. And because of this, I, as well as my family have suffered greatly due to my mental instability. I can only pray that by stabilizing my moods, (and not being irritable, hysterical or full of rage) will improve the quality of life at home and within my marriage.
It has only been one day, but I can feel the difference. For one, for the first time in years, I slept like a rock throughout the night. I woke up not feeling fresh as a daisy per se, but not quite as exhausted as I usually feel either. Also, today, I surprisingly feel so much calmer. I’m not irritable and ANGRY or full of RAGE, nor have I felt like crying my face off like I have been for the past several months.
Although there is no “cure” for mental illness, I will happily take whatever relief I can get. I think that it’s safe to say that my husband and kids will feel the same. I can only pray that my beloved husband and children can somehow find it in their hearts to forgive me for letting my mental health get this bad.
To my husband who has put up with so much, I say this, “Honey, I’m coming home.” And to my kids, who have only seen my crazy, I say this, “Mommy’s coming home.” And to my grandchildren, I pray that they never have to see my crazy!