Mental Health, Mental Illness in Marriage, Music

I am NOT Okay, But Someday I Will Be

***Some of the links in this article are "affiliate links", a link with a special tracking code. This means if you click on an affiliate link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. The price of the item is the same whether it is an affiliate link or not. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will add value to my readers. By using the affiliate links, you are helping support my family, and I genuinely appreciate your support.***

I am More than a Conqueror 

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

-Romans 8:31-37 (NIV emphasis mine).

I’ve been quiet on the blog and a bit aloof lately.  And for that my dear sisters, (and for you awesome guys who are reading this too) I am truly sorry.

This is the part of my life that I hate most.  Usually, multiple mental illnesses cause me to feel way too much all at once and all of the time.  It’s intense being so high strung and over-emotional all the time. (It’s kind of a blessing and a curse to be able to feel what most people refuse to feel).  And most of the time, the periods of complete numbness is a welcome break.  But not always.

It’s during these periods of complete numbness that I struggle even more with dissociation and feelings of utter emptiness.  I feel dead inside and forget that I am alive — as if breathing were not proof that I am.  These are the times that scare me the most.  I fear relapsing into self-harm, and I often do.  And I just DO NOT want to go there anymore!  It’s bad enough that I hurt myself every time I dissociate and have a panic attack!  The scariest part is, I never remember any of it.

For those of you who get it because you struggle with feeling this way too, please don’t ever let anyone make you feel ashamed for the way you feel inside, (or lack of feelings for that matter).  It’s not your fault that you struggling with regulating your emotions.  Living with mental illness and re-living traumatic events over and over again doesn’t mean that you are broken or weak or flawed in some way.  My sweet sister, I want you to know that you are a beautiful woman, you are an amazing human being, (even if you are feeling less than sub-human right now), and you have so much more value than you realize, (even if you struggle with anxiety and being around people). 

Don’t let anyone’s selfishness, ignorance, hateful opinions of you or harsh words steel your light, my darling sister.  Straighten out your crown, throw those shoulders back and keep your head held high.  You, my sweet sister, are NOT your illness(es), your emotions, (or lack thereof) do not dictate who you are as a woman. 

You are a warrior!  You are a Daughter of the King of Kings!  (Even on days when you feel completely numb).

Numb — Linkin Park

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)
I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)

You may also like...

CBD Oil Sale Today! Get your CBD Oil at 66% off!