My Story

By The Grace of God: Overcoming Sexual Abuse

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TRIGGER WARNING:

This post may be triggering as it contains sensitive subject matter detailing situations of child, and sexual abuse.  Read at your own discretion.

O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more. 

~Psalm 10:17-18~

 

Abuse is all I have ever known.

When looking back on our lives, most of us would say that we do our very best to recall our fondest and happiest childhood memories.  But what happens when such memories do not exist?  What if your childhood was riddled with all forms of terror and abuse and anything at all but happy?

Some of my earliest and most vivid childhood memories are of horrific sexual abuse by multiple abusers between the ages of two and eight years old.  My earliest childhood memories are of being sexually abused in an empty bathtub by a very evil man at the tender and helpless age of only two-years-old.  In fact, my only childhood memories are of being abused verbally, physically, and sexually.

Like scenes from a horror film, the vivid images of every gruesome detail have plagued me for more than thirty years, robbing me of precious peace and sleep as they play continuously across the movie screen of my tormented mind.

Though I cannot count the times I endured sexual abuse, I can clearly remember that I was fragile, terrified, and helpless.

By the age of only five, I had already been convinced by the Enemy that I was bad and that the terrible things that were being done to me were my fault.  I can clearly recall multiple accounts of sexual abuse by at least three different people when I was only five-years-old.  And at the age of only eight, I had already endured so much sexual abuse I believed that my only purpose in life was to be a sex-doll to such evil men. Though I knew this evil man's intentions that night and I tried everything in my power to stop what he was going to do, I was weak and utterly powerless to stop him.  Nothing I could do could divert his attention.  Nothing I could say could stop him.  I was doomed.  My fate had already been sealed and he was going to have his way with me no matter what.  My mother's boyfriend, (who just so happened to be a convicted sex offender), raped me that night.  And what happened after he raped me left me wanting to die.  My mother, in a drunken haze and utterly oblivious to what had just happened to me, immediately went into her bedroom and had sex with the evil man who had just raped her daughter!

Though these horrific events took place more than thirty years ago, the lasting effects have taken their toll not only on me but on my marriage and family as well.

I was just a baby in diapers the first time my tiny frame was used for the sadistic pleasure and gratification of a very evil man.  My innocence was stolen from me. And because my abuser fed me lies of the Enemy, manipulating me into believing that I somehow was bad and needed to be punished thus somehow deserving of the horrific crimes he committed against my helpless little body, my fragile mind had been poisoned.  It is because of this, my views of men, sex, life, and the world around me have been tainted and distorted.

It is only because of the evil that exists within the world do such horrendous atrocities happen to innocent children.

So how does one possibly comprehend such unfathomable evil?

I do not believe that it is possible for even the wisest of men to comprehend such evil, or even why evil people do the evil things that they do, without first knowing God.

As children, our developing minds are formed by the words spoken and actions taken by those around us -- especially by our primary caregivers.  We believe whatever they tell us about ourselves.  Naturally naive and trusting due to our own helplessness and innocence, we assume that every word uttered to us must be true.  After all, if it were not true, why would grown-ups say such things to a child.

However, when an evil man is robbing the innocence of a helpless child, he will place the burden of blame on his victim by telling her that she is "bad and needs to be punished", or that she is "dirty and enjoys it."  This is a manipulation tactic used by abusers to relieve themselves of guilt and shame.  Sadly, however, because of the abusers' disgusting inability to feel shame and remorse, this burden is passed on to the victim to carry.

It is only because of the evil that exists within the world do such horrendous atrocities happen to innocent children. 

It is impossible for the mind of an innocent and helpless child to understand why a grown man or woman would want to inflict such unfathomable pain upon them.   It is impossible for children to grasp that such atrocities will have devastating and life-long effects on them.  And as we become adults, our tainted minds struggle with even the slightest notion that somehow anything good could ever come out of the Hell we have endured.

Like many women who have suffered from sexual abuse, the effects that it has had on me as a woman, a wife, and a mother of three boys has been nothing less than torture.

For instance, I have struggled with severe symptoms of PTSD, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues my entire life.  This alone has made certain aspects of life rather difficult.  Simple things such as working outside the home, basic self-care activities or just regular household chores can often seem virtually impossible at times.  As a wife, certain sexual activities have been incredibly difficult for me thus causing strife and tremendous pain within my marriage.  And enduring such heinous crimes has only left me fearing men my entire life.  Needless to say, fearing my own husband and sons and all of the sexual frustration within my marriage only perpetuates the cycle of depression and anxiety.

Sister, I am here to tell you, if someone in your past has hurt you in such a way, what was done to you is NOT your fault.  It never was.  You are NOT bad.  You are NOT dirty.  You did NOTHING to deserve what happened to you.  It is only because of the selfish choices of sick and evil people such horrendous things happen to innocent and helpless children.  I want to tell you that you are not alone in your pain and suffering.  That weight that you are carrying, you don't have to carry it anymore.  You are completely free to lay it down at the feet of Jesus Christ.  Though I do recommend seeking out the help of a professional therapist if you are struggling with the effects of past childhood trauma, there is no other counselor in all the world than our Wonderful Counselor, Jesus Christ.  He loves you so.  So much more than you will ever know.  He wants to help you.  He wants to heal your hurting heart and mind.  Won't you give Him a chance?

Again I saw all the oppressions that are done under the sun. And behold, the tears of the oppressed, and they had no one to comfort them! On the side of their oppressors there was power, and there was no one to comfort them.

~Ecclesiastes 4:1 ~

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

~Isaiah 9:6~

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin”

~Hebrews 4:15~

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